It just doesnt make sense.

Love hurts. 
Like a gut-wrenching, head-pounding type of pain that no amount of Tylenol can take care of.
Sometimes it just ends with no explanation. Sometimes a person changes and leaves you with no answers, leaving you staring at your reflection in the mirror wondering why. Leaving you with questions in your mind like "what did i do wrong?" Or "is there something wrong with me?".

Love doesn’t always make sense.

That’s the hardest part about being human and giving into this crazy

Idea of letting someone in. You risk getting your heart completely broken. You risk your life shifting to a new direction. And you try to navigate this thing without a map, without
 a manual, without any type of rules. 

Love is wonderful, but sometimes it hurts like hell.

And sometimes, months later,  you find yourself looking out the window on a hot summer morning wondering what the hell happened. 

The hardest part about love is that sometimes it doesn’t make sense.

Sometimes you fall for someone and you give your best to them, to be there for them, care for them and love them and then you realize, they don't love you back and they don't really care about you. You dont really intend or plan it to be that way. It just happens. Sometimes your mind or heart changes, out of your control. And sometimes you’re at the mercy of someone else’s emotions, and something in them shifts. 

Sometimes you will find yourself and your person in a confusing, painful tear down the middle. And you're not given an explanation, So you just painfully watch as that person disappear from your life. And have them pretend that YOU never really happened in theirs. That's UNBEARABLY painful. 

You tell yourself it’s fine, you’re fine, this is fine.

 But then your mind begins to reel. What happened? How did everything change?

Sometimes you don’t get the closure you deserve.

Sometimes people leave without giving you the answers you so crave. 

Sometimes you can’t make sense of people’s heads, people’s hearts. 

Sometimes there’s no answer, no reason.

Or maybe there is, but not expressed to you. So you find yourself scrolling back through old text messages, scoping through photos, crying to yourself with the memories of how things used to be. 

I wish i could tell you that there is an answer. That one day this person whom you loved will stumble back into your life, be brave and explain their cold hearts, their treatment of you, or why things ended the way they did. But I can’t promise that.

What I can promise, is that you will be okay.

Not getting an answer sucks. Watching the person you care for so deeply change before your eyes and silently walk away, sucks.

But you will make it through.

Because life is filled with confusion, with change, and with imperfect people. Because as hard as it is to believe in anything right now, you will forever have the wonderful memories of love. 

Because no closure, that’s all the closure you need sometimes. And you deserve someone who, no matter how hard it is, will express to you where his/her head is. And who won’t be afraid to deal with the difficult, painful parts of love and will go through that phase with you, coming out stronger.

So i will let this be my closure, and the explanation that i never got:

I apologize for painting a happy picture only to tear it down later, I was living in the moment and I didn’t consider your feelings. Part of me thought this might work and the other didn’t want to even try. I am sorry I was in limbo and you were caught in the middle of it all.

I’m sorry you thought I was better than that, you deserve better than that, you deserved an explanation, you deserve a good reason for my sudden pulling away and I’m sorry you didn’t get it. I’m sorry if that will build your walls up higher for the next person, I’m sorry you now think everyone will leave without warning. I’m sorry your heart is now broken to love deeply again.

So for now, stare out that window, for just a minute and miss them. Then let them go. 

Turning the page

Don't be afraid to get back up again. To try again--To love, to live, to dream again. Don't let the hard lessons harden your heart. Life's best lessons are often learned through the hardest of times and the worst mistakes. There will be times when everything that could possibly go wrong will go wrong. When you feel like quitting, remember that some things have to be wrong before it can be very right. Sometimes you have to be at your very worst to arrive at your very best.

Not because you have faced many defeats, you have been defeated.
No matter what, ultimately, we choose our own path---positive or negative, the decision maker is you. People always say i have no choice. And i was one of them.
But i realized-- You always do.
You have a choice.
You are the driver.
You steer your own vehicle the way you want.
There's no reason why we choose to be stuck in a rut. The moment i realized i deserved more was the
Moment i turned my life around.
It isn't perfect, it will probably never be.
But it has perfect moments.
Moments that will be one for the books. And there are
Moments worth trashing and forgetting too.
Those moments teach.
They make me think.
They make me grow.
They make me better.
They make me strong.
They break me, and make me
Whole at the same time.

And so now, i say, do not be afraid to make that step. Only then will you move forward. Only then will you start a new chapter of your life. Don't be scared to turn the page.
Its meant to be turned.
Yes, it will not exactly be comfort zone, but what we thought are our comfort zones are actually us settling.
And I'm done settling.
I deserve better.
No, i deserve best.
And that's what Im hoping for.
And that's what Im getting.
If not now. Later on.
I'm not rushing.
But neither am i afraid to take risks and make mistakes.
It will be a part of the story.
A part of the adventure.
A part of a happy ending.

Getting it wrong to get it right

I woke up at 4:18 in the morning and had this urge to write what i felt from the depths of my heart.
I am not a writer nor a blogger. But these feelings were just so heartfelt that it translated in words.


GETTING IT WRONG to GET IT RIGHT

Sometimes we put our hopes into one person before we learn that we should really keep some parts of our heart and soul to ourselves. We struggle with indecision and uncertainty. We keep looking for that spark or connection in a world generally filled with indifference, at least for some people.
Sometimes we're not even looking, it just happens.
And often, we don't know what we're looking for until it's right in front of us.

We are told love is hard, it shouldn't be.
But even that is blurred and undefined.
We have questions.
How long should I wait?
Should I let it go?
There isn't one decisive answer to any of these.
No love is the same and no heart ache can be matched.
We experience love on our own.

Sometimes we are Forced to realize that love can't be enough.
Maybe the timing is wrong, or we're not open enough, maybe the world itself seems to be between us. Those are the ones that hurts the most. The ones that linger. They remain unanswered, bitterly thrown out into the universe, never to be understood. We just carry them with us, just another piece of our heart that we no longer own.

Sometimes we learn. We build and we get broken and build ourselves again through love. Through the euphoria, the quiet comfort, the arguments, the laughter and the pain. We slowly come to terms with who we are, and sometimes we just don't.

Sometimes we get it right. Sometimes, it takes years of trial and error. But eventually we'll find the perfect balance in ourselves,
and then we realize that love is in the small moments.
It's in the childish moments.
It's in simple things like having a cup of coffee.
It's in the quiet moments you appreciate the sunset and the waves and the stars.
It's in the silence between you two, face-to-face, no words needed, that's where we sometimes find it.
The meaning to ourselves or what we're looking for that we never quite understood, until that moment when we find our heart one with someone.

Love is every day.
Love is caring.
Love oftentimes cannot answer why or how.
Love is the small things that matter.
Love is being there for no particular reason.
Love is sometimes a battle.
Love is hoping for the things unseen.
Love is finding ourselves and then miraculously finding someone.

Sometimes I just want to remember all the times I got it wrong so that I can understand it when I finally get it right.